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A quick dump of thoughts so this section doesn’t feel empty, don't take it too serisouly.
I have a weird relationship with my sexuality. On one hand I like being a sexual person and discussing sexual things, but on the other hand. It makes me feel disgusting, especially around non trans people. Kink is very full of cis people, so it isn’t like cis people are incapable of being knowledgeable about kink or sexuality in general. Do I feel uncomfortable around cis people because of judgment or because of the potential for judgment? Would I really be judged? Sometimes I feel as though I need to be so “pure” to be accepted as a woman. Much more so than a cisgendered woman. For example, if I dress like anything other than a nun I start getting comments. I wear a baggy button up with mid-thigh shorts I picked up at Walmart, just regular shorts for a woman, and suddenly I’m “Slutty” I wear a tighter tank top under an unbuttoned flannel with long pants and people act like I’m asking for it when I get gross comments from men. I see cis women wear clothes WAYYY more revealing out and never have an issue with other cis women. I feel like the experience I described comes from ‘Blanchard's transsexualism typology’ (the idea of "autogynephilic transsexuals") as well as the white supremacy and quite conservative nature of the pathologization of being transgender. I feel as though the predominant western cultural understanding of trans women does largely stem from this western racist & misogynistic idea of the ideal women being a white chaste married woman. This misogyny is exasperated exponentially by being transgender. You are under such a fine magnifying glass being transgender. You need to be disgusted by your body to be valid but can’t love or be proud of it either. Especially as one does medically transition, you must be sad you don’t have boobs but can’t be happy or have fun with them once they do grow in. You’re expected to bottom during sex by society, but when the bedroom door closes everyone wants you to rail them since you have a penis. But. I WANT TO LOVE MY BODY. I WANT TO BE HOT. I WANT TO BREAK FREE FROM THIS. I WANT TO HAVE WEIRD SEX AND TALK ABOUT IT IN APPROPRIATE ENVIROMENTS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I WANT TO BE SEEN AND RESPECTED. I WANT TO EXIST SEXUALLY WITHOUT BEING A FETISH. I was thinking through all of this while taking a bath, nude, in a stream in the woods. I wasn’t a pervert to the rock that held my clothes. The plants didn’t call me a slut. The moving water cleaned my body without judgment. I caught a glimpse of myself in the water and felt like a fairy. I felt so beautiful. Just me the sounds of nature and my soft nude body. I wish I had a way to take some pictures. So, the next time I went out for a bath I brought my partner and made them take some pictures of me ;). And., I feel so beautiful in them. Nude, Soft, feminine. My gentle body cradled by the outdoors. I want a place to reflect on my sexuality more, so I created this page of my blog where I can do just that.
